Cannibal Man Eats 6 Jehovah Witnesses, Says They Annoy Him

Houston police have reportedly arrested a man believed to be behind the disappearances of aboy 31 persons this past decade. The cannibal identified as Ivan Fedorovitch Yanukovych, 56, could be linked to a number of mysterious disappearances in the area, officials think.

Yanukovych was interrogated by police after neighbors complained that he liked using a chainsaw late at night, which was ridiculously noisy. They also reported the man being “covered in blood.”

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When police arrived at the scene, Yanukovych was found butchering a dead body in his garage and preparing what police officers described as “large quantities of ground meat” mixed in with an “aromatic blend of spices.”

Assistant Chief Jeff Buchanan told reporters that;

“The suspect admitted to preying on unsuspecting delivery men from local restaurants, several postmen and even a number of Jehovah witnesses.”

Assistant Chief Buchanan, who was from the Houston Police Department said, officials seized over 700 pounds of “unidentified meat” from four freezers and which is presumed to be of human origin.

A Neighbor had told reporters;

“I never suspected he was a mass murderer. He would often invite all the neighbors to watch football at his house and host large barbecues for everybody and was super friendly.”

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Yanukovych lived with his mother, Anastasia Z. Yanukovych, 93, and rented the house basement to a local student. He seemed to blend into the community and never arouse suspicion from neighbors.

When interrogated by authorities, Yanukovych apparently showed some remorse about killing the delivery men and postmen who were “just doing their job” but said the Jehovah witnesses “really annoyed him” and wished he had “taken more out.”

Tom Duvall, a local Jehovah witness organization spokesman, said that he is relieved that “members of our local chapter can now feel safe” and that “these courageous souls have not ended in this vile man’s belly, but in God’s belly.”